DISEASECONTROL



BAHAMAS QUARANTINED

A boat filled with influenza-ridden Europeans washed up on the shores of Grand Bahama Island last week. Many of its passengers were already dead, and the others resembled walking corpses just looking for someone to infect.

American troops contained the infection within hours, using flamethrowers. Seeing as how the island is located a mere 55 miles from the coast of Florida, this development is a sobering reminder that the U.S. is not safe from this deadly plague. We must do everything in our power to cut all ties with Europe, as well as any region of the world that may have had contact with the afflicted European population. Our military is the key to keeping us all healthy and alive.